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Saturday, July 13, 2013

Illuminatedtammy Mid year update

hello hello

I never usually write sappy, sad, dramatic or anything personal but I kinda just want to vent today so I can just let everything out and close a chapter.

I've been extremely busy with designing youtube layouts and my fashion work. I am also still dealing with my hand injury and I'm sure many of you are thinking...? but you're typing.. can't be that bad right? well.. truth be told. I haven't actually been able to really grip a pencil for the last three months and any artist can tell you, that is easily the biggest nightmare to wake up to. I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare and just have everything go back to normal. This started one fine morning of May, I thought it was just a little sprain, that my hands had gone numb from the way I slept but little did I know how it would haunt me for months to follow, I had hurt a very central nerve in my body and have literally lost control, motion of my hands. My hands went through pain, numbness, motionless, strengthless.

I cried, I screamed, I whined, I begged, I prayed, I blamed, I got angry. I felt so helpless, useless and lost faith.
Everything I had known, the norm had suddenly all been ripped away from me over night, my hopes and dreams never seemed more impossible than this present moment. Everything that I worked so hard for, what if.. I can never draw again, what if, I can never draft a pattern for fashion again, what if I can't cut fabric again because my hands are in so much pain. The what if's imploded my mind.

I can write you something possibly pretentious, that I've received enlightenment from this, or that this is all happening to make my journey more fruitful, you get the drill but I won't because honestly, I'm scared out of my life.

All I know is that this injury fiasco won't stop me from moving forward, I'm going to keep my head up and keep walking, I promise I'll come back stronger than ever.  No one can stop me from fulfilling my destiny.I'll work around it, my hands will eventually recover, I just need to keep a positive attitude.

 This entire injury has given me the time to reevaluate my life and I finally know that my heart will always belong in fashion because up until this happened, I was ready to close my chapter of my fashion journey for good. 2012 was filled with horrible memories, filled with malicious people that told me I could never succeed in the fashion industry. Just when I thought I was ready to forget all about fashion, this happens, I would like to believe that this injury serves a purpose to remind me just how much I love designing, sketching to the a.m., drafting on a mannequin etc. I'm ready to get back, to jump back in, I think I owe myself that much, to give this one more go.

I'm extremely grateful for the kind words, love and encouragement.
I promise I won't let this break me down just like how I won't let people that only bring poison into my life to pollute my journey, forgotten.

I just want to say, if you're going through something similar, I'm here for you<3
Keep your chin up solder, the world's got nothing on us

toodles till later
x
Tammy

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Dream big my loves. <3

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